And end and a beginning...

"If I was going to Dublin, I wouldn't start from here.", goes the punchline to a joke about tourists in Ireland trying to get back to Dublin's fair city.  Kansas City isn't the place most would start on a journey to Dublin - some might say, a journey to anywhere.  But Kansas City was the final USA city that Juli, Ashlyn (aged 8 months), and I spent a few days in, 12 years ago, before embarking on the journey of lifetime.  On June 23, 2010, we touched down in Dublin, having begun our initial flight in KC.  Exactly 7 years ago today, we touched down at Kansas City International Airport having arrived back in the US from our 5 years abroad.  

Our adventures in life don't always begin where we think they should, nor do they always end quite how we might expect.  In his poem, Little Gidding, TS Eliot writes: 

"If you came this way, taking the route you would be likely to take from the place you would be likely to come from...If you came this way, taking any route, starting from anywhere, at any time or at any season, it would always be the same: you would have to put off sense and notion.  You are not here to verify, instruct yourself, or inform curiosity or carry report.  You are here to kneel where prayer has been valid."

I've done a lot of reflection over the past 12 years.  Reflection on our 5 years in Ireland. Reflection on the time I spent as an associate minister in Burleson, TX.  Reflection on our 2 and 1/2 years in Colorado.  Reflection on the 6 months spent in Kansas City.  Reflection on my 8 years prior to Ireland in Austin, TX. Reflection on my entire life.  With all the reflection - reflection on the good, the terrible, the exhilarating, the disappointing, and the unexpected.  More than anything, I'm left with gratitude.  And that gratitude drives me to kneel where prayer has been valid.

The great philosopher poet Dan Wilson once said, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."  He was riffing on TS Eliot who, also in Little Gidding penned:

"What we call the beginning is often the end and to make an end is to make a beginning.  The end is where we start from."

Now that I'm in my mid 40s, I've contemplated having a mid-life crisis, but since none of us really know the mid-point of our lives, I've decided to give the crisis a pass.  Middles are hard to discern, but beginnings and endings are where the meaning lives.  In fact, through the gospel, life is a series of new beginnings, implying that it is also a series of endings.  

So, whether we are at the beginning, the end, or unknowingly, in the middle of something - anything - we have to decide how we will proceed, or even if we will proceed.  I choose to keep exploring.  Of course, you know where this is going.  I turn it over to Thomas Stearns Eliot again:

"We shall not cease from exploration.  And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

I began this blog in Dublin and I end it in Kansas City (or Shawnee to be more precise).  But this end is also a beginning.  I've now begun a new blog at The Big Narrative where I hope you will join me in exploring the grand story of the Bible. - Shay

A New Blog and Podcast

I began this blog back in the late summer of 2010.  My family had just moved to Dublin, Ireland, and so I created "Near St. Anne's and the Sea" as a way to journal some of our experiences on the Emerald Isle.  It was not a day-to-day journal, nor was it a "missions report".  It was just a way to capture some of my observations and experiences in Dublin's fair city.  I continued the blog when I returned to the States, but I must confess that I have been negligent and inconsistent in its writing.  This is the 199th blog and my plan is to write one last blog after this one.  Ending it on number 200 seems right.  The blog will remain up, but I will not add any other posts.  It will serve as a snapshot of the last 11 & 1/2 years - an incomplete and at times blurry snapshot.  

As me and my family begin a new chapter in our lives, I plan to continue to document my observations and occasionally, some of my experiences.  In addition to this, I am going to start a podcast.  The podcast will be focused on "obscure and difficult" Biblical texts.  Each podcast will be between 5 and 15 minutes.  It obviously will not be the definitive exposition on these texts, and at times, I may simply wander around in circles.  What this podcast will not be is a way to try to "harmonize" these difficult passages with any systematic theology, nor will it be an attempt to fit square pegs into round holes.  I hope to raise just as many questions, as I provide answers.  And of course, my answers will always be inadequate at best.  I hope to engage the best of Biblical scholarship from time to time and I may even invite a theologian or two to contribute their two cents.  But at the end of the day, I will simply put forth my opinion, or at least my best guess at this stage of my journey.  As always, I am open to amend my thoughts and change my mind as further information comes to light or further reflection alters my perception.

By way of confession, I admit at the outset that I cannot read a lick of Hebrew and I struggled with Biblical Greek.  But for the past twenty years, I have immersed myself in the Biblical text and I have read a wide variety of scholars and theologians.  What I lack in technical scholarship, I try to make up with grit, passion, and workarounds.  Some people know just enough Greek to be dangerous - thankfully I don't even know that much.  And I know I don't know that much.

So, watch this space for links to the new blog and the new podcast.  Thanks for reading and please consider lending me your ear. - Shay          

Why I Stepped Away from Ministry

 For the better part of two decades, I have been a minister.  I did youth ministry for seven years, foreign church planting for five, associate ministry for four, and for the past two and a half years, I've been the lead preaching minister.  I have thoroughly enjoyed every position I've held in ministry.  Each one, has seemed to be the right fit at the right time, though not always necessarily the right place.  I have taught many people many things, but no doubt, I've learned far more than I've taught.  I, alongside my physical and church family have served in a variety of ways, but we too have been served by those in and outside of the church.  I do not regret ministering, though of course, I have my regrets.  If ministry has been so good and so fulfilling, why am I stepping away from full-time vocational ministry?  

For nearly twenty years, I have longed for those within my care and within my sphere of influence to not only embrace the truth of the gospel, but to live that truth out in authentic and meaningful ways in the nitty gritty of real life.  Many of my fellow journeymen and women have done so - many have done so in far greater ways than I could ever dream of for myself.  And yet, for many, I feel that faith has merely been an add-on to the rest of their lives.  It has not been "the thing".  Though I am disappointed in the lukewarm faith of so many, I have always had the nagging sense that it's easy for me, as a full-time church worker, to cast stones within my glass church house.  It's easy to criticize others when I haven't walked in their particular shoes.  How all-encompassing would my faith be if I was working two jobs, sixty or seventy hours per week, just to make ends meet?  I imagine that my faith would still remain strong, and I am fairly confident that it would still be the thing that defines me.  But that's just a theoretical discussion.  Unless I have the "skins on the wall" to prove it, it's merely a guess. 

Another frustration I have experienced is the overwhelming conservative nature of churches.  I don't mean conservative politically speaking, though that too is a real danger to the progress of the Kingdom of God.  Large (and even small) groups of people tend to make decisions painfully slowly and as a result, very often poorly.  There is wisdom in not always acting in haste, but I have found that church leaders tend to use this as an excuse to not do that which often needs to be done.  And when they finally get around to doing it, it's too late!  Also, groups of people tend to be risk averse.  To meaningfully engage God's work requires great risk and probably will result in far more moments of failure and dead ends than it will produce long-lasting fruit.  But it is through the failure and through the risk that genuine breakthroughs occur.  In my experience though, most people are too afraid, and equally, too prideful to just go for it!  

Fear is a powerful motivator that often holds both churches and individual believers captive.  Too many followers of Jesus are afraid to ask awkward and challenging questions that could put their faith on a fast-track of maturation and development.  Too often, we have threatened church leaders (and members) with disfellowship, excommunication, and job disqualification if they don't toe the party line (sometimes that is a political party line and sometimes it's the "fundamentalist, evangelical" party line).  As a result, many assume that evangelicals must be Biblical literalists, young earth creationists, science deniers, anti-vaxxers, climate change skeptics, conspiracy theory believers, and right-wing extremists.  None of these have to be, nor, in my opinion, should be true.  Can we not have moderate, grown-up conversations and opinions?  If we are to develop a mature faith, we will have to endure moments of spiritual vertigo.  Rather than avoiding the discomfort, we should embrace it and celebrate it, knowing that the "testing of (our) faith produces endurance" and when that endurance is takes effect, it will lead to a mature and complete faith (James 1:2-4).  I am tired of having to walk (and talk) on eggshells to avoid offending or challenging other's unexamined beliefs.   

But more than anything else, the reason I have stepped away from ministry is that in our modern world, I sense a lack of commitment to the church as both family and community.  Many people fill their time with all kinds of busyness - some good and necessary and some not good and unnecessary.  Church life often gets squeezed out.  But just as I've always made family a priority in my life, I have equally made church family a priority.  I have slowly, but surely, come to realize that many do not put as a high a value on their community of faith.  After years of trying to organize spiritual family reunions and projects, I am simply tired of trying to get the family together.  So, me and my family have made a commitment to not join our next church on the condition that they pay me to dispense various spiritual services, but rather to simply do for our next congregation what we have always hoped that others would do with and for their church family.  We just want to be "regular family members" and give, love, serve, and be active and vital parts of the family.  

Do I regret stepping away from ministry?  Absolutely not!  Because I haven't actually stepped away from ministry.  I am just stepping into a new kind of ministry.  I am as excited about this next chapter in my life as I have ever been before. - Shay   

Borders

I love geography and I've always been fascinated with borders.  Where does one region end, and another begin?  Why is this the place where a particular language and culture dominates, only to switch to another language and culture just a few miles (or even feet) away?  Some borders arise naturally, such as mountains and rivers, while other borders are much more arbitrary.  Have you noticed how many US States have unnatural borders (straight lines drawn on a map)?  But whether borders arise naturally or unnaturally, they serve as important geographic markers that not only divide people and places, but sometimes create whole new subcultures.  

I find border communities fascinating.  Sometimes a region is divided by, say a state line, that is essentially meaningless.  One such place is Kansas City.  Whether one lives on the Missouri or Kansas side of the state line, for all practical purposes, greater Kansas City is one metropolitan area sprawling over two states.   Both sides pull equally for the Chiefs and Royals (both of these teams are located on the Missouri side).  When someone from the Kansas side speaks of downtown, there can be little doubt that they are referring to downtown Kansas City, MO, and not Kansas City, KS.  Though Kansas license plates are more numerous on the Kansas side, no one thinks twice about seeing a Missouri plate cruising up and down the streets of Overland Park.  Though I have only been here for a week, I would guess that most people in Lenexa, KS have more in common with someone from Raytown, MO than they do with someone from Colby, KS.  And my hunch is that someone in Independence, MO might identify more with someone from Shawnee, KS than with someone from Poplar Bluff, MO.

And yet, the border between the two states is very much a reality.  It does divide the region, if only arbitrarily.  My guess is that the longer I live here, I'll notice a few subtle differences between the two regions of the metro area that might not be as obvious at first glance.  But all in all, the region seems far more united than divided, which is better than the alternative.  

Living in a border area is a good reminder that the differences between places and people need not separate us.  Differences can be healthily embraced and celebrated.  Far more powerful than lines on a map are the lines drawn on human hearts.  Over the past decade or two, many people within the US and around the world have allowed cultural, political, and even regional differences to drive a wedge between them and those they perceive to be the "enemy".  I wonder if these artificial distinctions are just as arbitrary as some of the straight lines drawn on maps.  Surely, as human beings, we have far more in common - far more that should unite us, than that which might divide us.  Are we possibly guilty of creating an artificial border between us and a neighbor or even family member?  What bridges might we build that might help to overcome those divisions?  It's worth thinking about. - Shay      

Strength in Limitations

 Around 4 and 1/2 months ago, my knee began to give me trouble.  It seems my two surgeries and countless other injuries from basketball and football in my younger years has caught up to me.  I have arthritis and calcium deposits riddling both of my knees, especially my right one.  So, my hiking over the past few months has seen some adjustments.  I now wear knee sleeves when I hike and I use treking poles.  Though I'm not fond of the limitations that this new development has forced on me, I've tried to remember that there is value in recognizing one's limits and using that as a strength.

My favorite rock band is U2.  They don't rank at the top of many people's lists of the all time greatest bands, but they are certainly one of the most successful rock outfits of all time.  They've sold close to 300 million records and are the highest grossing touring act of the past few decades.  But early on, just after forming the band while in High School, the members could not even play their instruments.  They had to learn as they went.  Bono was nearly kicked out of the band for "not having a voice".  Since they couldn't cover very many songs from other bands (due to a lack of proficiency on their own instruments), they were forced to write their own songs and to create their own style of music.  This had the added effect of making them more creative and less derivative than many of their contemporaries, even as they grew in their musical prowess.  Their early limitations became a strength, not a weakness.

I loved first grade so much I did it twice!  That's one way of looking at it.  That's the positive spin.  The truth is I could not read at the end of my first grade year and struggled to keep up academically with my peers, so I was forced to repeat first grade.  I was "held back".  The extra year did me well.  By the end of first grade (the second time), I could read.  But even after getting that bonus year of education, I have struggled in subjects like math, science, foreign language, and grammar.  I love the English language and I love literature (including poetry).  Though it took me longer to learn to read than my contemporaries, I now love to read  And I also love to write.  But a grammarian, I am not.  So, how did I become a decent writer?  By reading.  And by knowing my limitations and using them as a strength, rather than a weakness.

One of my favorite definitions of humility is "being comfortable in your own skin."  I'm not there yet, but I am trying to get there.  And part of that process is learning to accept my limitations.  Limitations don't have to be weaknesses, they can also be strengths.  But even if they are weaknesses, the weaknesses can be turned on their head and used for a greater good.  In writing to the Corinthians, the apostle Paul wrote, "I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.  Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for whenever I am weak, then I am strong."  

So, what are your strengths?  Be thankful for them and use them for the good of others and the glory  of God.  But what are your weaknesses?  What are your limitations?  May you find strength in your limitations and by accepting your weaknesses for what they are, may you become more comfortable in your own skin.  And don't discount the fact that it might be through your limitations and weaknesses that God does his most powerful work.  - Shay   

I Have a Dream...Imagine...

Pessimism sucks!  It does no one any good.  No one is blessed by pessimism, but unrealistic optimism is not very helpful either.  Realism is crucial.  So, in my view, realistic optimism is the best disposition to possess.  

But sometimes, even realistic dreams don't feel very realistic - at least not in the beginning.  And it seems to me that very few people have the capacity to see what possibilities might lie ahead.  Once he left the Beatles and went solo, John Lennon wrote the song "Imagine".  Lyrically and musically it is a masterpiece.  The lyrics are a masterpiece, but they aren't very realistic.  After all, Lennon is only asking us to imagine.  He is not telling us that any of his optimistic ideas are even possible.  He admits he is a dreamer.  As I mentioned above, dreams are crucial, but many of us are unable to imagine the things that dreams are made of.  So we need those visionary types to help spur our imaginations. But the dreams that have any chance of coming true should at least be rooted in reality and most of what Lennon imagines is far from realistic - at least for the next several hundred years.

But a few years before Lennon's song was released, another man had a dream.  His name was Martin Luther King Jr.  And though his dream has not yet been realized, it is far more realistic than Lennon's and I do believe there is a real possibility that much of what he hoped for in his famous speech from 1963 can be realized in the lifetime of my daughter Ashlyn, if not before.  In fact, much of it has already become true, at least partially.  

I consider myself to be a dreamer, but one whose dreams are rooted in reality.  I am optimistic, but not naïve.  I believe that people have the capacity to change (I've seen change in my own life and in the lives of those closest to me) and if people can change, then whole communities can change for the better.  So, if I were to borrow from both MLK and John Lennon, what might I dream?  What might I imagine?  My dreams are rooted in my vocation as a minister, and so I imagine a better future for my church community.  

I have a dream that one day we will all put as much time, energy, and passion into our faith as we do our jobs and our hobbies.  I have a dream that our commitment to Christ and his people will not be rooted in our circumstances, but instead in our relationship with Christ and our fellow brothers and sisters.  I have a dream that one day, to riff on another 60's icon, we will not ask what our church can do for us, but what we can do for our church.  

Imagine if our spiritual family was as important to us as is our physical family.  How might that transform our relationship to the church?  I have a dream that one day being a member of the church is to be a valued member of a community - a community where all of life is shared, both the triumphs and the struggles.  

Imagine if we all continued to grow in our knowledge and understanding to the point where we all had a mature understanding of scripture and theology!  Of course, we would never assume that we have arrived.  Just the opposite! The more we would grow, the more we would become aware of how much more we need to grow!  What would it be like in our Christian communities if there were no questions which were off limits?  I have a dream that one day, followers of Jesus, will feel just as comfortable expressing their doubts and fears as they do the things they are fully convinced of.  Imagine if instead of judging the theology and doctrine of those with whom we disagree, we instead allowed their perspective to help us grow in our faith.

I have a dream that one day, we will love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, strength, and mind.  I imagine that some day, we might all love our neighbors as ourselves and do to them what we would have them do to us.  Imagine what it will be like when our Lord Jesus returns and God's will is done on earth as it is in heaven.  Imagine what it might be like if we all began to (imperfectly) live into that reality now.  And to quote a more recent icon, let's dream of the world we want to live in and let's dream out loud!  Because sometimes, dreams come true. - Shay 

A House Built on the Rock

 For over four months, I read the Sermon on the Mount each and every day.  I was preaching a sermon series from the greatest of all sermons, so I wanted to get Jesus' teaching into my head and even more so into my heart and life.  As I read this foundational - almost constitutional teaching each day, it dawned on me that in order to live out Jesus' exhortations which begin in Matt 5:21 and following, a person must become the kind of person that the Beatitudes in Matt 5:3-10 describe.  Alas, I am not yet that guy!  But I hope to be.  I pray that through the Holy Spirit's transforming work in my life I become what those Beatitudes describe.  

I need to become poor in spirit - not self-reliant, but Spirit reliant.  I long to have the confidence that even when I mourn, God the Father will comfort me.  If I want to inherit the renewed earth in the age to come, then I must become meek.  If I find myself (which I often do) lacking in righteousness (both in my disposition and my actions) then I need a greater hunger and thirst for righteousness.  God knows that I need mercy and so I must become merciful.  And if I want to someday see God, then I need God to create in me a pure heart.  And if I want to be a son of the King, then I must be one who pursues peace.  And even if I am persecuted for righteousness' sake, I should not be surprised, but rather I should rejoice and be glad as I persevere towards God's heavenly kingdom to come on earth.  

The more and more I become conformed to the image of Jesus and thus become like the above, the more I will be a faithful member of Christ's community - a community that is the salt of the earth, the light of the world, and the city set on a hill.  And then, alongside my brothers and sisters in Christ, I will fulfill God's creational intentions by living out a greater righteousness that does to another what I would want done to myself.  I won't be one who is angry and says hurtful things with my words.  I'll be one who is not only faithful to my spouse with my actions, but even with my thoughts.  I'll become a person of integrity who chooses not to retaliate when wronged, but instead chooses to go the extra mile and prays even for those who persecute me.  And I won't practice my piety for show, but through a genuine relationship with God, I'll communicate simply and directly.  God will become the treasure that I seek and I will learn to trust him to provide me with all I need, even allowing myself to go without from time to time.  And then I can freely step away from the judgment seat and offer grace and mercy to others, because I am so aware of all the grace and mercy I have received through Jesus.  I'll know that if I ask, I will receive, if I search, I will find, and if I knock, the door will be opened to me.  Because I will have come to know that God is for me and not against me and that he is good, I will trust him with everything, including myself.  And with that assurance, planted firmly in my heart, I will be able to walk (ever-so-slowly) down that hard road into the narrow gate.  The Spirit will produce fruit in my life and I will not only know the Lord, but more importantly, I will be known by him.  And then I can build the very foundation of my life on the rock of Jesus Christ, knowing that no matter how fierce the storm winds blow, nor how high the floods of life rise, my house will stand firm.  And I will know that I can trust Jesus with all these things, because all authority in heaven and on earth has been granted to him.

I know that all of these things will one day be true.  Not because I can achieve any of this on my own, but through the Spirit's transformation in my life, these things are gradually becoming a reality.  Emphasis on gradually.  And I am encouraged by Paul's writing to the Philippian church when he said, "he who began a good work in you all, will bring it to completion on the day of Jesus Christ.  Come Lord Jesus - come! - Shay