I've recently had some conversations with a few acquaintances about the existential needs of men. These conversations were sparked by my own ruminations on the topic and a mutual concern for the direction of the male gender over the years and decades to come. These chats have thus far only skimmed the surface, but hopefully, they will continue to spark thought and reflection, that will lead to tangible action in our limited, but not insignificant sphere of influence. Our initial thoughts are that men need, but are lacking the following three things: connection, friendship, and intimacy. Certainly, men need these three things in their relationships with members of the opposite sex, but they are especially lacking these three things among themselves.
Connection
What does it mean to connect? At this point in my life, I believe genuine connection results from a shared passion or perspective.
What are your passions? What are my passions? Those who know me well, know that I love to read, write, and to walk. I read deeply and widely, I write more than most, and I walk as often as I can (whether in urban or rural environments).
But that's not all I am passionate about. My passions also consist of sports. I love the Texas Longhorns. I am an avid supporter of Arsenal Football Club in London. And there are numerous other sports teams that I passionately follow.
And yet, that leaves out my passion for music. I have a decent singing voice, though my speaking voice is far stronger than my singing could ever be. I cannot play an instrument, though I really wish I had been disciplined enough to master one in my youth. Who knows, maybe there is still enough time for me to learn an instrument beyond the tambourine? But my real passion for music comes not from my ability to make music, but to enjoy the fruits of others who create it. My favorite band is U2, but I love a variety of musicians from a plethora of music genres.
If you and I were to randomly meet on a train and engaged one another in a conversation, we might make a connection via literature, hiking, sports, or music. We might even connect in more than one area, or maybe in all four.
But, we might also connect through a variety of perspectives. We may not share any mutual passions, but we might hold to similar worldviews. Maybe we have similar religious convictions? We might share compatible political persuasions? Or we might possibly have had some equitable life experiences which allow us to empathize with one another.
Making a connection with another human being is usually a prerequisite to friendship.
Friendship
My definition of friendship is that it is the intentional sharing of time, conversation, and tasks for the purpose of mutually enriching the self and the other. In other words, friends spend time together. Friends talk to each other. And friends do things together. Why? Because it is enjoyable and beneficial for both parties. For a friendship to develop, two or more parties usually need to make a connection. See above.
I have the sense that many men are lacking in quality friendships. Why? We don't always connect with those with whom we work or with whom we interact in other areas of life. Even when we do connect, a lack of time and being overcommitted in other areas of our lives often prevent us from taking our initial connections to the next level of friendship. Fear also plays a factor. Many of us experienced rejection at a young age and so are afraid to reach out and try to make connections that would lead to lasting friendships.
But, when genuine connections are made and lasting friendships are forged, then intimacy can be realized.
Intimacy
We often associate intimacy with sexual intimacy. But intimacy goes far beyond merely sexual relationships. A "textbook" definition of intimacy might state: being close and deeply connected with another person through thoughts, vulnerabilities, and experiences. When marriages are at their best, they will include this kind of intimacy. But, friendships between men can also include this kind of experience, without the physical and sexual contact that accompanies this kind of intimacy within a marriage.
Women undoubtedly need this level of connection. That is not debated in our world. But, so do men need this deep level of connection. It takes time to develop this level of connection and friendship, leading to true intimacy, but men need this, though so many fail to ever achieve it. What practical steps might be taken to slowly, but surely journey towards this ideal? - Shay
