Friday, January 26, 2024

Still Trying to Figure it Out



I do not possess a "scientific" mind.  I never took physics, I struggled in chemistry and biology, and mathematics is not my strong suit.  Engineering, medicine, or related fields were never going to be an option for me.  But I love it when experts in their field can make complex ideas understandable for me.  I am also thankful that there are incredibly intelligent people who can design and build stuff and help me get better when I'm sick.   

Though I'm grateful for the work scientists, doctors, engineers, and architects do, I am more intriqued by fields of study such as philosophy.  Like theology, what a person even means by "philosophy" can be quite fluid and diverse.  For me, philosophy is simply a way of describing how humanity, individually and collectively, has historically and presently tried to understand reality and make our way in the world.  Just as there is a "history" of everything (though we have yet to fully uncover, unpack, and understand that history), there might be a philosophy for everything.  In other words, every facet of human existence lends itself to "navel gazing".  We seek to understand why things are the way they are, and we also seek to, if possible, improve things in the future, either individually or socially.  

I recently listened to a philosopher speak on a podcast and what struck me was the way this particular thinker tried to break everything down into its material - and even its atomic structure.  So, according to this philosopher, humans are nothing more than a conglomeration of atoms and chemical reactions.  According to him, what we "see" as reality, is nothing more than an illusion.  I think I have a vague idea of where he's coming from, but it's a very strange way of looking at the world.  It also raises the question - if everything is an illusion, then who is this illusion fooling?  

Certainly, within each of us there are millions, if not billions or trillions of microscopic cells, organisms, and processes constantly working to keep us sound and whole.  How it all fits together and works, for the most part, in harmony, blows my mind!  But where does my "mind" even come from?  What is consciousness, and how does it even "arise" from the material substances that make up our bodies?  This is a question that science and philosophy has yet to answer.  But what should be plain to each and every one of us is that we are more - far more - than the sum of our parts.  I am someone - a person - a being with a past, present, and future.  I am not simply two feet, two legs, two arms, a torso, and a head.  Yes, those parts help to form and make me who I am - but they are not me.  How much more am I not simply a collection of atoms and chemical processes.  

I recently gave a ride to a philosopher who teaches at one of the many local universities in the area.  We briefly chatted about both philosophy and religion over the 20-minute drive, and he expressed his dismay at the overly "scientific" way of doing philosophy that many modern philosophers have adopted.  Yes, a table might at its most basic level be a collection of atoms, but it also functions as so much more.  It might be a place to write, draw, paint, or otherwise create.  It can function as the centerpiece of community as people gather around the table and share a meal and conversation.  When all of us talk about tables - we don't - or at least, should not simply talk about its atomic structure.  Equally, I would argue that there's far more to humanity than the building blocks that help to make us who and what we are.  Those building blocks are necessary, but they are simply a means to a far greater end.  And what is that greater end?  Well, that to me is what philosophy, theology, history, and religion are all about.  I'm still trying to figure it out.  What about you? - Shay 

Tuesday, September 19, 2023

Dealing with Disappointment? Hang in there...





How do we handle disappointment?  What do we do with setbacks?  Where do we turn when life is confusing?  What do we do when we are facing far more questions than we have answers?

For over 20 months, I've faced an uncertain future and I've had to be resilient as I've encountered an open-ended transition in life.  Transitions are difficult - even more so when they are nearly two years in duration.

Since January of 2022, every time I've thought I glanced light at the end of a tunnel, I have quickly realized that it was train headed straight for me!  Thankfully the tunnels have been wide enough to avoid sudden destruction, but I'm getting tired of sucking in my gut and gripping the cold and rough textured masonry of these modern engineering marvels. 

So, back to my initial questions.  How do we handle setbacks and uncertainty?  The Apostle Paul, who was no stranger to disappointment, provides a way forward.  In the first part of Romans 8, Paul declares that through the gospel of Christ and the gift of the Holy Spirit, our lives are being transformed and our eternal hope is secure.  One day we will be raised to bodily life in God's renewed creation.  Our present struggles pale in comparison to the glory yet to be revealed.  Ultimately, it's all going to work out in the end.  But what about the middle parts - what about the here and now?  

Paul goes on to remind us that God works all things for the good for those who love God and are called according to his purposes.  Note, Paul does not say that all things are good.  He does not declare that everything in the world is in accordance with God's will.  But he does say that God is powerful enough to bring good from all things - even bad things.  Some things in life suck!  But, somehow, through God's providence and his often-unseen actions in our world, God will take all things - the good, the bad, and the ugly - and work them for the ultimate good of those who love him and continue to seek him.  Paul then goes onto say that because God is for us, there is nothing against us that has the power to overcome us.  He reminds us that Jesus was willing to die for us.  So, is there anything else in all of creation that can possibly separate us from the love of God in Christ?  Absolutely not!  

In the big picture, my present circumstances are actually, pretty good.  I and my family are healthy.  We have food and shelter.  We are surrounded by people who love us, whether geographically near or far.  We live in an age when so many of the crises and hardships that people of antiquity faced are now non-existent.  There are many people around the world in 2023 who are suffering through war, extreme poverty, and spiritual barrenness.  None of these are plights my family is currently enduring.  

But that doesn't mean that everything in my life is peachy.  That doesn't mean that I and my family are not presently going through a difficult season.  Like everyone, we too face struggles.  But we face those struggles with faith, hope, and love.  We have faith that this season will pass - and even if it doesn't, our ultimate hope is secure.  And the love of God that Christ has poured out on us through his Spirit, comforts us through the hard times.  This gives us the ability to press on come what may.  If like me, you face an uncertain future - hang in there.  If like me, you are struggling - hang in there.  If like me, you are facing disappointment - hang in there.  This too shall pass, and even if it doesn't, what we face in the present pales in comparison to God's final future yet to be revealed!  Hang in there. - Shay       

Thursday, August 17, 2023

A Boy Can Dream, Can't He?!!!



 I had to go all the way to England to meet a girl who grew up in Oklahoma and Missouri!  I can still remember the day in early May of 1999 when I walked off of the plane into the smaller than expected airport in Birmingham, England.  It was a damp and dreary day (read typical), but Juli's smiling face was a ray of sunshine for this travel weary jet-lagged 21-year-old.  I remember seeing her from a distance and thinking to myself, "Wow, she's good looking!"  Extending my hand out for a shake, I introduced myself with all of the James Bond cool I could muster: "Hey, I'm Shay."  Juli was not impressed.  When I found out later that day that Juli had a boyfriend, let's just say I was disappointed.

For the next four months, Juli and I worked together in Nottingham on a missions team with 8 other American young people.  Mid-summer, I learned that Juli had been dumped by her boyfriend who was a part of the same missions program but based in Portugal.  I should have been sympathetic, but I couldn't quite hide my delight.  My initial intrigue had turned into full-scale infatuation, and I thought that things were beginning to come together for our imminent relationship.  Again, Juli was less than impressed with my not-so-subtle swooning, as she said to herself, "I would never date this guy, let alone marry him!"  But a boy can dream, can't he?!!

As September came and Juli's departure date neared, I felt I had to transparently express my feelings for her.  I could not be content with letting my subtle and not-so-subtle hints substitute for laying my feelings on the line.  But I was scared - scared that my feelings for Juli might not be mutual.  So, rather than having a conversation with her face to face, on the night before she was scheduled to fly back to the States, I wrote her a letter, requesting her not to read it until she was over the Atlantic.  I still remember arriving at her house in the early morning hours, just as she boarded the van scheduled to take her to the airport.  I gave her a hug, handed her the letter, and explained my request.  I don't remember the exact details of the letter, but I shared my heart and I mentioned that at the very least, I hoped that I was planting a seed that might come to fruition at a later date.  Then I waited.  I waited.  And I continued to wait.  In the days when snail mail was still a thing, email a kind of luxury, and trans-Atlantic texting non-existent, I knew it might take some time.  But surely, I would hear back from her, I thought.  I thought wrong!  There was never a letter or an email acknowledging that she had read the letter.  I never even received a polite response with a, "Thank you, but no thank you."  Crickets.  

When it comes to relationships, I'm no Dr. Phil, but even I realized that when October and November came and went, her response was a hard "no" without the "thank you."

But a boy can dream, can't he?!! For whatever reason, I didn't give up, even if I moved on for the time being.

Fast-forward to the Fall of 2000.  As I sat in my apartment adjacent to the University of Texas at Austin, I contemplated my future.  I had been a Broadcast Journalism major in the College of Communications at UT, but I had decided to change my major to Education.  Should I switch to the College of Education at UT, or should I transfer back to Lubbock Christian University?  There were solid arguments for either decision, but Juli was living in Lubbock, not Austin.  I can't say that Juli was the deciding factor (I had only seen her once since getting back to the States and there was no indication that her feelings for me were any different than before), but her presence in Buddy Holly's backyard definitely played a part.  

As I bookended my college career in Lubbock, I had the time to re-launch mission improbable.  Slowly, but surely through church events, social gatherings, game nights, and a decisive trip with friends to the Sangre de Cristo Mountains in New Mexico, I was able to water and fertilize the seeds previously planted.  Over the Summer of 2001, I was a camp counselor at Blue Haven, while Juli lived with her sister in the Dallas area.  I sent her several pieces of snail mail, and this time she returned the favor.  By the Fall, we were a "couple" and despite a couple of break-ups along the way, we said "I do" on August 17, 2002.  We celebrate 21 years of marriage today!

Juli would be the first person to tell you that me marrying her was extremely unlikely in the beginning.  But a boy can dream, can't he?!!  I persevered in my pursuit of my dream girl and that has been one of the best decisions I've ever made.  Like all relationships, this one hasn't always been easy, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!  I pray that God will give us many, many more decades together, but no matter how much time we have, I don't want to live this life with anyone but Juli.  My wife is a gift from God!  And the God who keeps on giving saw fit to give us Ashlyn, 7 years later.  So, on this my anniversary, I am filled with nothing less than gratitude. - Shay   

Saturday, August 5, 2023

Undefined Future



Have you ever wished you could jump in a time machine and revisit your past?  Maybe you would like to relive the "good old days".  You might want to experience the world through those naive, but hopeful spectacles we wear in our youth.  It would be so refreshing to not only experience the good times of our past through our memories, but to actually experience them all over again - in our bodies - in real space and time.  Time travel would be exciting!

But if you're like me, you probably would like to change a few things too.  You undoubtedly have a few regrets.  And how nice it would be to get a "do-over".  Now, if we really could change our past - even for the better - we might discover all kinds of other things in our world that would also have changed.  Probably some for the better, and maybe a few for the worse.  But that's a whole other pseudo-scientific philosophical discussion that we'll leave for another time.  Time travel does not exist and so we cannot change our past.  We do not get "mulligans" in the real world.

We cannot change our past, but our past does not define our future - unless we let it.  Our past might inform our future (and it probably should), but it does not have to encroach on the freedom that our future affords us.  The narrative of our life has begun to be written, but it is not yet a fully finished work.  There are blank pages just waiting to be filled with the stuff of our stories.  

To take the story metaphor (although its more reality than metaphor I believe) a little further, we sometimes need to be reminded that people possess the power to change.  Like interesting characters in well-developed fiction, who we are and who we are becoming is an ever-evolving process.  Who I am at 46 isn't the person I was at 23, or even 45.  Who I will be at 50 should be at least a little different than who I am right now.  

Due to major life changes over the past 20 months, I've spent much time in reflection.  I've taken a hard look at my past, both the good and the bad, and I've gained a deeper appreciation for who I am in the present.  And though I certainly have regrets, I have made a conscious decision to learn from my mistakes and then to leave them in the past.  They will inform my future, but they will not define it.

I've also reminded myself that the majority of my history is worth celebrating.  I have had a great life and I am extremely grateful for all the blessings that the Father has poured into my lap.  Christ has accomplished good things through me and the other people he's placed in my path.  And though I am far from finished, I've seen transformation through the Spirit's work in my character.  I'm excited to turn another page and to write that next chapter in my story.  

A few months ago, I thought that I would end "Near St. Anne's and the Sea".  Back in May, I started another blog called The Big Narrative where I explore the grand story of the Bible.  I want to keep that format tight.  But I also want to continue to write and reflect on other broad themes and ideas, and this platform is a good place to do that.  So, like our lives, this blog remains open, free, and in process.  It has an undefined future. - Shay    

Thursday, June 30, 2022

And end and a beginning...

"If I was going to Dublin, I wouldn't start from here.", goes the punchline to a joke about tourists in Ireland trying to get back to Dublin's fair city.  Kansas City isn't the place most would start on a journey to Dublin - some might say, a journey to anywhere.  But Kansas City was the final USA city that Juli, Ashlyn (aged 8 months), and I spent a few days in, 12 years ago, before embarking on the journey of lifetime.  On June 23, 2010, we touched down in Dublin, having begun our initial flight in KC.  Exactly 7 years ago today, we touched down at Kansas City International Airport having arrived back in the US from our 5 years abroad.  

Our adventures in life don't always begin where we think they should, nor do they always end quite how we might expect.  In his poem, Little Gidding, TS Eliot writes: 

"If you came this way, taking the route you would be likely to take from the place you would be likely to come from...If you came this way, taking any route, starting from anywhere, at any time or at any season, it would always be the same: you would have to put off sense and notion.  You are not here to verify, instruct yourself, or inform curiosity or carry report.  You are here to kneel where prayer has been valid."

I've done a lot of reflection over the past 12 years.  Reflection on our 5 years in Ireland. Reflection on the time I spent as an associate minister in Burleson, TX.  Reflection on our 2 and 1/2 years in Colorado.  Reflection on the 6 months spent in Kansas City.  Reflection on my 8 years prior to Ireland in Austin, TX. Reflection on my entire life.  With all the reflection - reflection on the good, the terrible, the exhilarating, the disappointing, and the unexpected.  More than anything, I'm left with gratitude.  And that gratitude drives me to kneel where prayer has been valid.

The great philosopher poet Dan Wilson once said, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."  He was riffing on TS Eliot who, also in Little Gidding penned:

"What we call the beginning is often the end and to make an end is to make a beginning.  The end is where we start from."

Now that I'm in my mid 40s, I've contemplated having a mid-life crisis, but since none of us really know the mid-point of our lives, I've decided to give the crisis a pass.  Middles are hard to discern, but beginnings and endings are where the meaning lives.  In fact, through the gospel, life is a series of new beginnings, implying that it is also a series of endings.  

So, whether we are at the beginning, the end, or unknowingly, in the middle of something - anything - we have to decide how we will proceed, or even if we will proceed.  I choose to keep exploring.  Of course, you know where this is going.  I turn it over to Thomas Stearns Eliot again:

"We shall not cease from exploration.  And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

I began this blog in Dublin and I end it in Kansas City (or Shawnee to be more precise).  But this end is also a beginning.  I've now begun a new blog at The Big Narrative where I hope you will join me in exploring the grand story of the Bible. - Shay

Wednesday, January 19, 2022

A New Blog and Podcast

I began this blog back in the late summer of 2010.  My family had just moved to Dublin, Ireland, and so I created "Near St. Anne's and the Sea" as a way to journal some of our experiences on the Emerald Isle.  It was not a day-to-day journal, nor was it a "missions report".  It was just a way to capture some of my observations and experiences in Dublin's fair city.  I continued the blog when I returned to the States, but I must confess that I have been negligent and inconsistent in its writing.  This is the 199th blog and my plan is to write one last blog after this one.  Ending it on number 200 seems right.  The blog will remain up, but I will not add any other posts.  It will serve as a snapshot of the last 11 & 1/2 years - an incomplete and at times blurry snapshot.  

As me and my family begin a new chapter in our lives, I plan to continue to document my observations and occasionally, some of my experiences.  In addition to this, I am going to start a podcast.  The podcast will be focused on "obscure and difficult" Biblical texts.  Each podcast will be between 5 and 15 minutes.  It obviously will not be the definitive exposition on these texts, and at times, I may simply wander around in circles.  What this podcast will not be is a way to try to "harmonize" these difficult passages with any systematic theology, nor will it be an attempt to fit square pegs into round holes.  I hope to raise just as many questions, as I provide answers.  And of course, my answers will always be inadequate at best.  I hope to engage the best of Biblical scholarship from time to time and I may even invite a theologian or two to contribute their two cents.  But at the end of the day, I will simply put forth my opinion, or at least my best guess at this stage of my journey.  As always, I am open to amend my thoughts and change my mind as further information comes to light or further reflection alters my perception.

By way of confession, I admit at the outset that I cannot read a lick of Hebrew and I struggled with Biblical Greek.  But for the past twenty years, I have immersed myself in the Biblical text and I have read a wide variety of scholars and theologians.  What I lack in technical scholarship, I try to make up with grit, passion, and workarounds.  Some people know just enough Greek to be dangerous - thankfully I don't even know that much.  And I know I don't know that much.

So, watch this space for links to the new blog and the new podcast.  Thanks for reading and please consider lending me your ear. - Shay          

Saturday, January 15, 2022

Why I Stepped Away from Ministry

 For the better part of two decades, I have been a minister.  I did youth ministry for seven years, foreign church planting for five, associate ministry for four, and for the past two and a half years, I've been the lead preaching minister.  I have thoroughly enjoyed every position I've held in ministry.  Each one, has seemed to be the right fit at the right time, though not always necessarily the right place.  I have taught many people many things, but no doubt, I've learned far more than I've taught.  I, alongside my physical and church family have served in a variety of ways, but we too have been served by those in and outside of the church.  I do not regret ministering, though of course, I have my regrets.  If ministry has been so good and so fulfilling, why am I stepping away from full-time vocational ministry?  

For nearly twenty years, I have longed for those within my care and within my sphere of influence to not only embrace the truth of the gospel, but to live that truth out in authentic and meaningful ways in the nitty gritty of real life.  Many of my fellow journeymen and women have done so - many have done so in far greater ways than I could ever dream of for myself.  And yet, for many, I feel that faith has merely been an add-on to the rest of their lives.  It has not been "the thing".  Though I am disappointed in the lukewarm faith of so many, I have always had the nagging sense that it's easy for me, as a full-time church worker, to cast stones within my glass church house.  It's easy to criticize others when I haven't walked in their particular shoes.  How all-encompassing would my faith be if I was working two jobs, sixty or seventy hours per week, just to make ends meet?  I imagine that my faith would still remain strong, and I am fairly confident that it would still be the thing that defines me.  But that's just a theoretical discussion.  Unless I have the "skins on the wall" to prove it, it's merely a guess. 

Another frustration I have experienced is the overwhelming conservative nature of churches.  I don't mean conservative politically speaking, though that too is a real danger to the progress of the Kingdom of God.  Large (and even small) groups of people tend to make decisions painfully slowly and as a result, very often poorly.  There is wisdom in not always acting in haste, but I have found that church leaders tend to use this as an excuse to not do that which often needs to be done.  And when they finally get around to doing it, it's too late!  Also, groups of people tend to be risk averse.  To meaningfully engage God's work requires great risk and probably will result in far more moments of failure and dead ends than it will produce long-lasting fruit.  But it is through the failure and through the risk that genuine breakthroughs occur.  In my experience though, most people are too afraid, and equally, too prideful to just go for it!  

Fear is a powerful motivator that often holds both churches and individual believers captive.  Too many followers of Jesus are afraid to ask awkward and challenging questions that could put their faith on a fast-track of maturation and development.  Too often, we have threatened church leaders (and members) with disfellowship, excommunication, and job disqualification if they don't toe the party line (sometimes that is a political party line and sometimes it's the "fundamentalist, evangelical" party line).  As a result, many assume that evangelicals must be Biblical literalists, young earth creationists, science deniers, anti-vaxxers, climate change skeptics, conspiracy theory believers, and right-wing extremists.  None of these have to be, nor, in my opinion, should be true.  Can we not have moderate, grown-up conversations and opinions?  If we are to develop a mature faith, we will have to endure moments of spiritual vertigo.  Rather than avoiding the discomfort, we should embrace it and celebrate it, knowing that the "testing of (our) faith produces endurance" and when that endurance is takes effect, it will lead to a mature and complete faith (James 1:2-4).  I am tired of having to walk (and talk) on eggshells to avoid offending or challenging other's unexamined beliefs.   

But more than anything else, the reason I have stepped away from ministry is that in our modern world, I sense a lack of commitment to the church as both family and community.  Many people fill their time with all kinds of busyness - some good and necessary and some not good and unnecessary.  Church life often gets squeezed out.  But just as I've always made family a priority in my life, I have equally made church family a priority.  I have slowly, but surely, come to realize that many do not put as a high a value on their community of faith.  After years of trying to organize spiritual family reunions and projects, I am simply tired of trying to get the family together.  So, me and my family have made a commitment to not join our next church on the condition that they pay me to dispense various spiritual services, but rather to simply do for our next congregation what we have always hoped that others would do with and for their church family.  We just want to be "regular family members" and give, love, serve, and be active and vital parts of the family.  

Do I regret stepping away from ministry?  Absolutely not!  Because I haven't actually stepped away from ministry.  I am just stepping into a new kind of ministry.  I am as excited about this next chapter in my life as I have ever been before. - Shay